Tell the Truth Tuesday: Marriage Bloggers

Today's installment of Tell the Truth Tuesday is brought to you by the myriad of marriage bloggers out there. In the last few weeks, I've seen a huge influx of posts on facebook and pinterest about making your marriage "better". "Ten tips to a happier marriage" "Marriage isn't for you" "Tips from a divorced man" and so on and so forth. Lots of people have been sharing them and more have been reading them.

I'll be the first to admit that I like to read things like that; I am always looking for ways to improve our marriage, however, these things are getting pretty obnoxious.

The underlying theme in all these articles is that the WIFE is supposed to be the one making the grand gestures, the WIFE is the one who should be forgiving, the WIFE is the one who ought to be complimenting her husband and thanking him for taking the time to watch his children. The wife, the wife, the wife. Oh sure, every once in a while you see something about what a husband should do but the overwhelming majority of these articles are aimed at how wives ought to be doing more. You should be praising your husband more, you should be having more sex at HIS request, you should write him love notes, pray for him, and accept that as a man these actions do not come naturally to him.

Wait a minute. Men aren't capable of thanking their wife for dinner? Men aren't capable of respecting a woman who says NO when they aren't in the mood for sex? Men aren't capable of being an equal emotional partner in a marriage? What kind of asshattery is that?

Why are we telling women that the sole person in the marriage who is responsible for emotional happiness is them? Why are we telling women that they really should cut their husband slack for not watching the kids because it's just not in "their nature"? It's bunk, plain and simple.

All marriages are different and some, I suppose, work well when one partner is constantly building up the other and forgiving all of their "transgressions". Many years ago my mother imparted the following wisdom to me "Marriage is never a 50-50 relationship. Sometimes you are 75 and he is 25 and sometimes you are 10 and he is 90, the important part is that you are always at 100% and no one feels neglected or like they are doing too much" That has always stuck with me. I remind myself of that when I am doing dishes after I've made a huge meal for the family and Geo lays back down to go to sleep even though I really could use the help....but on the flip side of that, he works 12 hour shifts so I can skip a day of work once in a while to go hang out with the kids at school for school functions. Sometimes, I pack Geo's lunch and write him a sweet note, and sometimes he leaves a diet coke for me in the fridge and a text that says "left the last diet coke for you, love you". And sometimes I leave him to his own devices for lunch and HE drinks the last diet coke. It's not perfect BUT it works for us because we both realize that marriage is a balancing act. It's not all about ME making all the gestures and it's not all about HIM being a useless jackass as most of these articles seem to suggest.

The one good thing that has come out of all of these recent posts? People are talking about marriage and about what hard work it is and how NO it's not just the wife who should be building the husband up, the husband can do the same. That husbands are capable of being good fathers and don't need constant praise to do so. And sometimes wives aren't perfect and sometimes husbands aren't perfect but at the end of the day, we feel good in our marriages and if we don't, we should talk about it.

And, that, really is the bottom line. Talk about it. Don't assume your partner is a mind reader and don't assume that they will pick up all the slack when you aren't pulling your weight.

What's YOUR best marriage advice?

Grow Old With me, the Best is Yet to Come

(wow, I need to step up posting...almost a month between entries again argh)

Last week we spent a blissful, relaxing six days in upstate New York with Geo's grand parents (also known as "the greats")

Sure it was humid, rained a lot, and rivers flooded. Who cared though? It was vacation and we relaxed and slept and ate too much delicious food, and maybe we even got stuck in a mud patch at a winery that ended with our truck and the guy behind us being covered in mud (or maybe we didn't...we did haha)

It was great spending a week with two people who've been committed to one another for more than 60 years. Getting to see a marriage like that first hand was kind of eye opening. Geo and I talked about it after we left and we came up with the following things that must make a marriage like that successful. They are, in no particular order, doing the little things, being each others' closest friend, and being kind to one another.

It seems simple, right? Be kind, do the little things, and be friends. I think a lot of people forget these little basic things when the day to day stuff starts to pile up. Kids, bills, groceries, cars, mail, jobs, hobbies, etc etc all make up such a large part of our day to day life that we can often forget that those things matter too.

Geo works third shifts; he sometimes works 12 hour third shifts and more often than not, he works many many days in a row. Our time together while he is awake is very limited; in those few hours we have to cram as much as we can into them. Discussing the kids, the bills, work, what have you; it's easy to forget the little things so this year, as it draws closer to our anniversary, I'm going to work very hard on doing the little things every day even if it's just waking him up more gently or making sure his favorite coffee cup is clean when he gets up.

What are the little things in your relationship that you can do to make things easier on your partner?

The Perfect Marriage

"You guys have the PERFECT marriage" "George is the PERFECT husband" "Oh my god, George is so spoiled to have a wife like you"

A hundred times a week, I hear some variation of how perfect Geo and my marriage is or what kind of spouse one of us is. It's people who've known us for years, it's people who've just met one or both of us, it's complete strangers. And quite frankly, it's annoying.

It's annoying because people assume we don't do anything and our marriage is effortless OR they assume one of us is manipulating the other or has the other one "trained".

What is wrong with people? Is it envy? (maybe) Is it ignorance? (maybe) Is it something else? (maybe)

For one, I am NOT the perfect wife, Geo is NOT the perfect husband, nor do we have PERFECT marriage. We have our share of short comings, we have our share of fights, and we have to work hard for the relationship that we DO have. Apparently our relationship looks effortless from the outside, which, honestly, annoys andpleases me. It annoys me because people are assuming that one of us is perfect or has the other one trained-which is just flat out rude-but it pleases me because obviously we are doing something correctly if people think we have a great marriage.

I wish I could tell people that a marriage like ours takes time, commitment and work. It didn't happen overnight and it's something that we make an effort to work on every single day. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day working-parenting-shopping-cooking-cleaning routine and neglect your relationship. You have to make TIME for yourselves and your marriage. Geo and I were actually discussing this exact thing the other night (after hearing for the umpteenth time how amazing our marriage was) People seem to forget that a good relationship takes work and effort-as with everything else in life, you only get back what you put in.

Geo and I choose to put time and effort into our relationship because we believe that having a healthy marriage will in turn make a healthy family. If we are happy, our family is happy and that's our ultimate goal: a happy family.

Next time you admire someone's relationship or spouse, take the time to think about what it is that you admire-do you admire that Mrs. X's husband never speaks sarcastically to her? Do you admire that the W's spend time together and actually ENJOY themselves? Find what you are envious of and try to recreate it in your OWN relationship...happy marriages/relationships lead to happy families and isn't that what you should be striving for?

Hope Faith Love

We spent Friday and Saturday with friends getting ready for and then attending their wedding. It was beautiful; small, intimate, fun, and filled with happiness. I did a reading at the wedding and probably would have been able to keep from crying if the groom wouldn't have been tearing up during the reading (that's my story and I'm sticking to it ha ha)


During the ceremony, the pastor read the cornerstone verse of Geo and my marriage; our wedding theme was centered around it and our lives revolve around it: Hope, Faith, and Love. In every room of our house we have at LEAST one faith, hope love plaque/wall hanging. I can't choose a favorite, though the one I look at when I sit at my desk that was made by Geo's grandma is probably my favorite:


It's my visible reminder to keep faith, hope, and love at the forefront of my mind. So yesterday, as the pastor was reading the verse I was struck by something that I hadn't realized before this point-or hadn't realized consciously: "love is patient, love is kind,  love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."


Love is KIND. KIND


That's really all you need to know about love; that it's kind. If you think about it, being kind is truly the cornerstone of a strong marriage; it means being kind in your every day life; the little things-changing the trash before you go to work because your wife likes to start the day with a fresh bag, putting new napkins and silverware in your HH's lunch box unbeknownst to him, cranking up the heat right before your wife gets out of the shower so the bathroom is super warm, buying your hh's favorite snack just because.


It seems so simple, yet so many people don't do this. So many people struggle at just being kind to one another; they play the "I'm not doing anything nice because he never does anything nice" game, or "Why is she doing something nice? What does she want?" Love isn't supposed to be suspicious or rude.  


Does it go deeper than being kind to your spouse? Yeah, I think it does. You need to be kind to yourself above all. You need to know that YOU are worth it; that you are worthy (?) of someone else's love. I always thought it was bunk when people said that you had to love yourself in order to love someone else, but the more I observe people, the more I realize this is true. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect to love someone else AND take the love your partner wants to give? 


So today, go out and be kind-to yourself-and let that kindness reach out to other people. I once had a coworker who used to tease all of us about our attitudes toward ourselves, he'd say, "You know what I do? I put my arms around myself and give myself a big hug and tell myself 'you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, I like me'" We'd all laugh and get out of our little funk and go back to what we were supposed to be doing. This guy had the right idea-I am good enough, I am smart enough and I DO like myself...today when you're feeling down, give yourself a big hug and tell yourself how much you like YOU. You might be surprised at how much your attitude toward yourself can change your attitude toward your spouse...and theirs' toward you!


:)

Ever the Optimist?

Apparently I am an eternal optimist when it comes to marriage.

Today on two separate occasions, I've read pessimistic views of marriage and it's made me upset.

One of the things said was "All men cheat if they are given the choice. Even happy men will cheat if given the chance. They are biologically made to cheat, why is anyone surprised when a man cheats?"

This is grade a bologna; number one all men do NOT cheat and number two, if a man is truly happy with their marriage, they are NOT going to cheat. The same can be said of women-not every woman cheats, nor do happy women cheat. I honestly do not know a single person who has ever cheated on their spouse and find it very difficult to believe that people actually believe this sort of bunk.

The second thing was a dear friend lamenting the fact that everyone around her was getting married and while she was happy about it, she was ready for her turn (and it WILL come and it WILL be wonderful for her, I know it will) Someone commented that since half of marriages end in divorce, it's nothing to look forward to.

That's just...man, who thinks like that? Who goes into a marriage thinking "Well we have a fifty fifty chance of making it! Let's see what happens!" It's almost like you are setting yourselves up for failure when you say something like this.

Apparently Geo and I have a very rare marriage. We are very happy 99% of the time, we love spending time to with one another, etc etc (I've blogged about this before lol) I can't imagine how our lives would have been if we had gone into the marriage thinking that we only had a 50% chance of staying married. I don't care how "realistic" it is to think something like that, it's very negative and you shouldn't start a marriage off negatively; it'll end up tainting the whole relationship whether you want it to or not.

Ugh.

I can't wait for Geo to get home so I can give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him and love being married to him...can you say the same about your spouse??

Marriage...

In one short month, Geo and I will have been married for nine years. Nine roller coaster riding years. We've had for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health and have come out on top. Yes, we've had tough times; tougher than I'd ever wish on anyone, specifically when it comes to Gabriel and his exceptional needs, but we pulled together, as we always do, and have fought every single one of his battles together as we promised each other in front of God, friends, and family all those years ago.

One of my favorite songs is "Better Together" by Jack Johnson, a few years ago at a gorgeous wedding Geo and I went to, the bride and groom chose the song as their "theme" and it played during their wedding. My favorite lyric is:

"Yeah, so much better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's so much better when we're together
Yeah, so much better when we're together"

Geo and I truly do think things are better when we are together. We are a team, always have been, always will be, which is why it annoys me so much when people try to shove their way into our marriage and try to cause problems. Geo and I consult one another on 99.9% of our decisions ESPECIALLY ones that affect our family. Very rarely does one of us make a decision without consulting the other about what we're planning to do. Why bother being married if you aren't going to take advantage of the fact that the one person who has YOUR best interests at heart is right there; right there to help you with decisions?

My priorities are as such: Gabriel and SarahAnne, Geo, myself. If you were to ask Geo what HIS priorities are he'd say: Gabriel and SarahAnne, Chrissi, myself. Work, home, family, etc are below that. Some people don't like that Geo and I put each other above all others, including our own parents. It's interesting that when one is married in the church, as a general rule the verse "a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" is read.

I've always interpreted that verse as when you get married, your spouse becomes your number one priority and you become theirs. I think that a lot of young couples who go off and get married forget that while, yes, their parents are important, their spouse is their number one priority. Looking out for your partners well being and best interests now comes above ANY one else's well being or best interests. Some would even say (and while I don't agree with this sentiment, I don't really disagree with it either) that your spouse should come before your children as well-again, while I don't agree wholeheartedly, I don't necessarily disagree with this statement either.

I think it's hard when you're first starting out in a marriage to really make your spouse the top priority in your life; you've always had your parents and family and as a general rule, I think people have a hard time not caring for their families more than other people...but at some point you have to grow and mature and realize that your partner is now your family.

I wish more people realized that being happy and content in your marriage, that working toward common goals for your family, for trying to be the best partner you can be HAVE to be the priorities in a successful marriage. There is no way to "serve two Gods" so to speak; you can't try to make your partner's life the best it can be when you are trying to make your parents or siblings (or friends or work or whathaveyou) the best they can be. You cannot put others needs above your partners and expect that your marriage is going to be strong.

That being said, the kids are our priorities, we are one anothers priorities, and the rest, as they say, is in the details. I make no apologies and I offer no explanations (except the above lol) for why Geo and I make the decisions we make and why we back one another up when a decision is made. After all, isn't everything better when you're together?

Marriage Musings-I Choose You

This weekend, Geo's grandma and I had a nice conversation about marriage. I told her that when they have their 60th anniversary (in 2011) Geo and I will celebrate our tenth and boy if that doesn't feel insignificant! :) She smiled and said "Well Chrissi, you have to start somewhere!" (and other sweet wonderful things because she's the kind of grandma who says those sorts of things he he)

It's true, that we have to start somewhere...and how did we start? What makes our marriage as strong as it is? What has helped it last this many years? (Because, truly, we've been married eight and a half years and that is a LONG time by a lot of standards now) It's very simple: We choose one another over anyone else. When faced with the choice, I will always choose Geo and he will always choose me. There is no gray area for either of us; if we are forced to choose, we choose one another.

Not only do we choose each other over any other person, we choose to respect one another, we choose to be supportive of the other person no matter WHAT they are doing (great example-Geo was, and is, fully supportive of me going back to school. I am fully supportive of him switching jobs) We choose our family, we choose what is right for all of us, even if others do not agree with our decisions. We make the conscious (or unconscious or a bit of both, really) choice each day to get up and be married-and do the things married people do. Loving, honoring, being faithful. Being a friend, making each other laugh, and generally treating each other the way WE want to be treated. That's a choice you have to make when you're married, whether you realize it or not.

Are you choosing to be happy in your marriage? Are you choosing your partner over all others?

Two is Better Than One

Geo and I have been married for approximately 3,459 years and counting* I would say that we have one of the strongest marriages I've seen. We've dealt with a lot in our many years together and have managed to stay not only in love, but also in like. We really really like one another still. Geo is the first person I call when I'm having a good day, a bad day, even a mediocre day. A lot of people don't understand the friendship we have; we truly are best friends. Everything we do is based on what is best for the other one. Yes, we are TRULY that annoying couple with the picture perfect marriage that makes other people gag.

Ok, that's not entirely true, well, maybe the gagging part, but not the rest. (no, actually, we are kind of annoying and we often unconsciously match each other when we get dressed, oops)

We have our share of issues, maybe more, than a lot of other couples, but for some reason, we've managed to stay married and provide a united front in the face of difficulties-and we've had a LOT of difficulties, specifically when it comes to Gabriel. Unfortunately, most parents of special needs children do NOT stay married. Some studies I've read suggest that upwards to 90% of marriages dissolve in the first year after a diagnosis is made. Geo and I have always had the "us against them" stance when it comes to pretty much everything.

A while back, I read something somewhere (how very vague of me ha ha)that says to see how in tune you are with your partner, you ought to take a piece of paper and a pen(cil) and write out the top six things that you feel are important in a marriage/partner. Thinking it would be interesting and insightful, I asked Geo to do it after I did it.

My list was: loving, supportive, humorous, amazing, faithful, and hopeful
His list was:love, patience, kindness, hope, faith, friends

Is there any doubt why our marriage works? We both value the same things, we both see the same thing in one another, we both have and work toward the same goals.

Geo and I have a VERY strict policy regarding one another: we do NOT criticize or belittle one another in front of anyone; regardless if we are with friends, family, or even on facebook. Too often, I think, people are quick to point out the ugly things about their spouse and do it in front of others who have no business knowing these things. Even in jest, we don't pick at one another in front of others. It's no one else's business if he doesn't pick up his sock or if I leave half full diet coke cans all over the place (it's true, I do, it's a horrible habit)

I always wonder about people who tear down their partners in public and on public forums; are they that bad when it's just the two of them? Do they really have that little respect for each other that they'd air everything in front of people? What does it say for the person themselves? Here you are, telling us that you married a huge moron who can't do anything right...what does that say about YOU?

When Geo and I got married, we asked that the traditional "love, honor, and obey" part of our vows be omitted and instead wanted to say "love, honor, and respect" each other. Respect has always been a very big part of our relationship; I respect him for so many reason-he's smart, he's a hard worker, he's an excellent father, a great son and grandson, and he's just a really respectable guy. He has morals, he is ethical, all the things that make up a GOOD person. How could I NOT respect him? By respecting him, I show him that I love him, and vice versa. I honestly think if we didn't respect one another, our marriage would not work the way it does.

I have a challenge for all of you married/partnered people out there...can you go ONE week without disrespecting your partner in front of people/public forums? (This means Facebook too! lol) How hard will it be for you? Do you think you can do it? I'd love to hear how it went...or how your relationship in general works. What needs improvement? What area are you strongest in?




*that is totally and utterly false, it's been eight years and seven months. It just feels like we've been married this long

Ha ha :)

I saw this quote on a plaque today and it made me chuckle, thought all you married folks out there might like it too...

"Marriage may be made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning